Experiencing some amount of guilt is a normal part of life. When you’ve done something wrong or caused harm, guilty feelings can encourage you to right your wrongs and avoid those behaviours in the future. But sometimes people go beyond helpful, healthy levels of guilt and find themselves engulfed in a sense of shame.
What is shame?
Shame is a type of painful, embarrassing self-consciousness. It can cause people to view themselves negatively, often harming their mental and emotional health. Shame is a common emotion, and there are many reasons someone might feel it.
Shame vs. guilt:
It can be tricky to distinguish between guilt and shame, especially because you can feel both emotions at once. But there are distinct differences between the two.
When someone feels guilty, they recognise they’ve done something wrong. Guilt doesn’t change the way you think about yourself: You feel bad for having done something unhelpful or harmful, but you know it’s not a reflection of who you are. Guilty feelings are more likely to inspire us to make repairs.
Shame, on the other hand, involves feeling bad about who you are at your core. It’s a complex emotion that can cause people to withdraw socially and have an intense fear of judgment. It can also sometimes result in defensiveness, anger, blame, or retaliation.
This feeling can be especially harmful to mental health when it attaches itself to things like:
Where does shame come from?
Shame has many causes and is influenced by each person’s unique personality, family, culture, community, and life story. You might feel shame about damage you’ve done, about social norms or expectations you’ve broken harmlessly, or for any number of other reasons.
In general, shame can be triggered by:
Social norms: Communities, families, and cultures have norms and expectations around gender, race, ability, class, and sexuality. You may feel shame if you don’t achieve all those ideals, even if they’re unhealthy or impossible to meet.
Religion: A faith community might shame people if their actions, circumstances, or identity don’t conform to the community’s beliefs.
Trauma and abuse: Shame is a common and painful aftereffect of abuse, sexual assault, and other traumas.1 The shame that survivors can experience may continue for years, impacting their relationships and mental health.
Comparison: Circumstances that remind you of perceived shortcomings can stir up shame. If you’re struggling financially, for instance, seeing other people buy expensive items may make them ashamed of being unable to afford the same.
Internal factors: Some people are more prone to shame than others, and shame tends to affect people more intensely in certain life stages (such as adolescence).2 If someone has a mental health disorder, they’re also more likely to feel shame—whether due to their altered state of mind or from the stigma associated with mental illness.
Examples of shame:
Shame can be involved in many different situations. It may come from outside sources, internal beliefs, or a combination.
Influence of shame:
Sometimes we use shame to try to make others change their behaviour. But shame teaches people to believe they’re inherently bad, making it harder for them to envision making better or healthier choices. Because of this, shame should never be used as a motivator.
Shame as control:
People sometimes use shame as a method of control. For instance, someone can be shamed into conforming to social norms for fear they’ll be excluded otherwise. This unhealthy dynamic happens in workplaces, faith settings, neighbourhoods, schools, families, and friend groups.
Shame and stigma:
Shame is one of the emotions that enables stigma. Stigma designates certain parts of people’s lives or identities as disgraceful and socially unacceptable, and it aims to set rules for what’s “allowed” and what isn’t.
Mental health disorders often carry stigma (though it has lessened over time), and this has real consequences. Many people are misinformed about or unaware of mental health issues, while others who want or need treatment may feel like it’s too socially risky.
Internalised shame:
Shame that comes from outside sources can quickly become internal. Due to the prejudices of family, friends, or community members, many people feel they need to hide who they truly are in order to belong.
If you live with anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition, you might sense your family’s or community’s negative attitudes around mental health concerns and internalise those feelings as shame. If you’re LGBTQIA+, for example, you might internalise familial or societal prejudice in the form of internalised homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia.
Does shame work?
When people shame others, it’s often because they’re trying to change them in some way. But research suggests that the more shame a person feels about a behaviour, the more likely they are to repeat it.
Dangers of shame:
Shame and shaming behaviour, like most feelings and behaviours, can be contagious. Without help, people who have been shamed may turn to shame themselves as a tool to influence or control others.
People who are prone to feelings of shame are at higher risk for:
Low self-esteem
Depression
Anxiety
Addiction
In addition, shame can leave people feeling worthless or judged to the point that they won’t seek therapy or other support when they need it.
Dealing with shame:
Shame can seem overwhelming and difficult at times, but it is possible to move through it.
When shame strikes, take a moment to recognise what triggered you, identify the underlying situation, and name your feelings. Mindfulness techniques can help you get through the moment with less self-judgment and reduce feelings of anxiety and stress. Recalling positive things about yourself and your past actions can help you remember that this one moment of shame doesn’t define you.
If you’re feeling shame because you’ve done damage to others, try to shift your judgment away from yourself and toward your actions. Instead of convincing yourself that you’re a bad person, remember that your actions are separate from your identity. Focus on taking responsibility, making amends or repairs if possible, and doing better in the future.
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